- Me: How come Justin gets to act gay but I can't?
- Phil: Because Justin has sex regularly with a woman.
- Justin: *singing* You. Make. Me. Feel. Like I'm living a. TEENAGE DREAM. The way you turn me on.
- Me: Oh, ok.
When you move in with Kristina, she and I are going to have contests to see who has louder sex. You can compete too! In the solo division…
So, do you go to Asian church or something?
Do I need an ID to get a Happy Meal?
- Justin: Yeah, I had sex with this girl that threw up that night. I gave her mouthwash, fully intending to have sex with her.
- Me: *mindfuck* What?!
It feels so nipple-y out here.
Freshmen and Sophomores are weird and stupid. And they smell.
Adam, I’ll give you $100 if you walk into that tanning salon and ask them how much it would be to get ONLY the bikini area tanned.
I can’t sleep any other way. I have to be sheathed in a butt.
- Christina: And if it starts crying, just sing it to sleep.
- Me: I'll just put on some Nicki Minaj...
- Christina: But then it will grow up to be a stripper!!
- Me: Hahahahaha!
- Christina: Stop laughing! This is our adopted child we're talking about!!