2012-06-29
1. Me: How come Justin gets to act gay but I can't?
2. Phil: Because Justin has sex regularly with a woman.
3. Justin: *singing* You. Make. Me. Feel. Like I'm living a. TEENAGE DREAM. The way you turn me on.
4. Me: Oh, ok.
2012-06-24

When you move in with Kristina, she and I are going to have contests to see who has louder sex. You can compete too! In the solo division…

— Ariel
2012-06-23

So, do you go to Asian church or something?

— Anonymous
2012-05-26

Do I need an ID to get a Happy Meal?

— Koda
2012-05-24
1. Justin: Yeah, I had sex with this girl that threw up that night. I gave her mouthwash, fully intending to have sex with her.
2. Me: *mindfuck* What?!
2012-05-12

It feels so nipple-y out here.

— Camille
→

Freshmen and Sophomores are weird and stupid. And they smell.

— Anonymous
2012-05-11

Adam, I’ll give you $100 if you walk into that tanning salon and ask them how much it would be to get ONLY the bikini area tanned.

— Amy
2012-05-10

I can’t sleep any other way. I have to be sheathed in a butt.

— Kristina
2012-05-07
1. Christina: And if it starts crying, just sing it to sleep.
2. Me: I'll just put on some Nicki Minaj...
3. Christina: But then it will grow up to be a stripper!!
4. Me: Hahahahaha!
5. Christina: Stop laughing! This is our adopted child we're talking about!!