Me: How come Justin gets to act gay but I can't?
Phil: Because Justin has sex regularly with a woman.
Justin: *singing* You. Make. Me. Feel. Like I'm living a. TEENAGE DREAM. The way you turn me on.
Me: Oh, ok.
When you move in with Kristina, she and I are going to have contests to see who...– Ariel
So, do you go to Asian church or something?– Anonymous
Do I need an ID to get a Happy Meal?– Koda
Justin: Yeah, I had sex with this girl that threw up that night. I gave her mouthwash, fully intending to have sex with her.
Me: *mindfuck* What?!
It feels so nipple-y out here.– Camille
Freshmen and Sophomores are weird and stupid. And they smell.– Anonymous
Adam, I’ll give you $100 if you walk into that tanning salon and ask them...– Amy
I can’t sleep any other way. I have to be sheathed in a butt.– Kristina
Christina: And if it starts crying, just sing it to sleep.
Me: I'll just put on some Nicki Minaj...
Christina: But then it will grow up to be a stripper!!
Christina: Stop laughing! This is our adopted child we're talking about!!
Luis is a flamingo! Except he’s green.– Victoria